Before I met my husband, when I was just oohing and ahhing from afar, I prayed that God would give him the insight to be able to know me even better than I was able to communicate to him. I prayed a lot, in fact, about this potential relationship, since it was so clearly not up to me whether or not it was going to happen (there was a girl he'd previously dated, he was still mending a broken heart, the timing just wasn't right, yada, yada, yada). So I prayed. And prayed. I cried (because that's what we girls do). But most of all, I trusted. I trusted and waited, not always patiently, for the Lord to show me clarity. As much as I wanted to date this guy, I did not want to do it if it wasn't part of a greater plan--I'd already tried my hand at young love, not very successfully, and I had no interest in trying force something that wasn't meant to be.
And so after ten long (!) months, he asked me out on a non-date. And then he asked me to non-date him. So we were a non-couple and it was oh so cute:) And then after about a day and a half we realized that maybe we should just go ahead and date. My prayer had been answered. It was an incredible time--not just the culmination, but the whole journey. As stinky as some of the waiting was, it was incredible to be in such close communion with God and to see His hand actively penning a narrative in my life. Our succinct courtship was abundant in laughter, hopes and decision making. It was fun. It was like a roller coaster ride...exciting, a little crazy, but ultimately really good. Even our disagreements seemed to be opportunities to better learn each others' personal nuances and communication style. One of the things we discussed fairly early on was the meaning of our names and how accurately they reflected who we were, or who we longed to be. Mine means "beloved." An irony on many a day since feeling truly worthy is something that had been and continues to be a struggle. His: Christ bearer. Fitting, not only since when I met him he was leading a bible study (of crazy characters!) but because he earnestly and passionately sought to reflect Christ to others. I loved this about him. I loved that he was fearless, or at least willing to put his fear behind him, in order to speak truth and grace into people's lives. I still love that about him. I also get really frazzled and frustrated by it at times. That prayer that I uttered fourteen plus years ago, the one where I asked for Chris to know me more intimately that I could imagine. That one is a real doozy.
As our swift dating/engagement phase propelled us into the week before our wedding, my intended saw a side of me that few others have. He saw me project anger, no rage is really more the word, like a whirling dervish. He saw me claw and rear like a wild animal caged for the first time and unwilling to be subdued. He was stunned and it would've been understandable if he'd bowed out. Because at that point he was marrying a stranger. I still don't know what happened to trip the switch, raise the curtain, or whatever metaphor you prefer. My hunch is that it has something to do with that whole "I can't hide from you" feeling. For the first time in my life I was going to be fully known by another individual, and that was terrifying.
We got married on 06.08.02 as planned. I know we both hoped that my "meltdown" was indicative of the stress of a fast-paced relationship and the numerous changes that accompanied it. But it wasn't and it still isn't. My dervish costume is still a part of the wardrobe, unfortunately. Instead of reeling out of control (at least that's how it feels), I'd like to be able to dance in concert with those around me and, ultimately, with God.
It's been a long time since I've felt such a connectedness to Him. And therefore a long time since I've realized that He is still actively penning the narrative of my life. But that doesn't change the fact that He is. Throughout it all, the Christ Bearer has remained by my side. He continues to hold up the mirror and bid me look at the glorious reflection of all that I've been created to be, rather than the shell of a person that I usually perceive myself to be. He bids me to hear and live in the Truth rather than succumb to lies that slither sneakily in and out like snakes. Much of the time I reject his invitations. Much of the time I resent them. And so I pen this to bid myself to respond, not to him, but to the One he points me to. And I pen a prayerful "wish list" much in the way that I did when I so wanted to date this guy with the Wilson's leather jacket and the perpetual need for a haircut.
1. That I would know His presence, His goodness, His purpose in my life.
2. That I would not fear nor trust in the "future."
3. That I would honor my husband in my thoughts, words and deeds.
4. That I would be a Christ bearer myself.
Merry Christmas, Toph.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a sparkly engagement ring.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me...two houses in the first two months of marriage
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me...3 lovely, loud, leggy ladies.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a love for beer, domestic and imported.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a lesson in f-stops and shutter speeds.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a lesson in how to drive a stick shift, at nine months pregnant, no less.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...the need to never again invest in an electric blanket.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...the role of "doggy mama" instead of "crazy cat lady."
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...an impartiality for bourbon, and the finer things that boys enjoy.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a trip to the Homeland with the fam!
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me...a really amazing "dream house, meeting a litany of crazy requirements!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me...another anniversary, another promise to continue to be the Christ Bearer in my life.
